So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
