isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
