he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
