I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
