when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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