your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
