Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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