Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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