in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
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i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
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I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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