so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is Oprah even human
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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