You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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