So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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