I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
