I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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