Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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