i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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