When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
