She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I deserve this hangover.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
