Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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