I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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