I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
