I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
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If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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