I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...