somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.