one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked