Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
