I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
