I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
