Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
