i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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