I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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