Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
