Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
