it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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