Just took my morning after pill in the library
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
