I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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