thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
