Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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