Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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