sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
