there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So. Much. Porn.
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