just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
