i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
