you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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