masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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