I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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