I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
