I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
