Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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