Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
