it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
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Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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