Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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