How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
As shirtless as possible
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
