my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
