I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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