Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
