I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
