Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
