Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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